Trump-Kushner Middle East Peace Plan to be based on Jared Kushner’s body

Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor and Son-in-law of the POTUS seen here to be extremely happy to be invited to an ‘adult’ meeting. Photo: Kevin Lamarque, Reuters

When it comes to the Arab-Israeli peace process, the Trump administration has been hard at work in making it a win-win situation for Israel and the United States.

While the official release of the Trump-Kushner proposal was delayed once again, several of the plan’s details have been made public. Many international relations experts have commented on the notable absence of any pathway to Palestinian statehood.

In the face of criticisms from prominent diplomats and Palestinian representatives, the Kushner Team has released further details on their proposed peace plan.

“The groundbreaking peace plan is based on something tangible and physical – a feat that all other administrations have failed to achieve. While previous administrations have sought to create a two-state solution through mediation, our team believes in using a more natural approach.”

The approach that the statement was referring to is understood to be the body of Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor and Son-in-law to the President of the United States.

“Partitioning land based on the Senior Advisor’s body is what God would have wanted. It is His way of indicating who is entitled to what.”

“Contrary to the alleged extramarital affairs, sexual assaults and obstruction of justice that the fake news media has reported, the team would like to remind all that the President and his family are devout Christians whose purity should not be doubted.”

An accompanying photo that came with the press statement showed what seemed to be the proposed partitioning of the Middle East.

A picture accompanying the press release that is believed to be the proposed partition plan of the Middle East. Photo: Dailymail.co.uk

When questioned by reporters about why ‘The Others” in the picture were allocated to such a small area and whether it was a reference to the Palestinians, Mr Kushner appeared hesitant.

“Wait…who said anything about Palestinians and small area? I was only told to name body parts that I know of and draw potential tattoos that I wish to get.”

Within hours of the press release, droves of Republican have gone on Twitter to celebrate the ‘imminent’ peace in the Middle East

However, linguistic experts have pointed out that the term ‘imminent’ is defined as a millennium or more in the Republican lexicon. Professor Linda Franca cited the example of Christian Conservatives heralding the ‘impending’ Second Coming since 0 AD as evidence.

With regards to the peace plan itself, a Republican representative from the reliable news network, Breitbart, summarised it perfectly as such.

“The Trump administration has once again reminded the world that anything can cease to be a problem if you either ignore it or crush it. If there was a bug bothering you – would you squash it, trap it or buy a big house for it to stay in? Anyone with common sense will choose the first two options.”

An anonymous source familiar with the situation said that many Democrats who were once critical of the Trump-Kushner plan have conceded that Kushner’s plan may be the best one after all.

“Kushner deserves some credit on this idea. After all, his lean body is probably the only thing that he has achieved based on his own merit.”

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