Several unauthorised drones intruded into restricted airspace around Singapore’s Changi Airport. The result was a disruption to operations for about 10 hours on June 18 and 19. With 37 flights delayed and intermittent runway closures, this is believed to be the most serious incident yet in Singapore.
Around the world, similar incidences involving rogue consumer drones have been happening as well with greater frequency.
While many experts are divided as to which counter-drones system should be used, an unlikely organisation has proposed an unorthodox solution.
“Given that the assortment of counter-drone systems in the market can be categorised into kinetic and non-kinetic systems, our great pastor Kong Hee (praise his name) has developed technologies for both,” according to a recent press conference held by the City Harvest Church.
“Kinetic systems are essentially ballistic weapons that fire a projectile at the errant drone to knock it out of the sky. However, the downside of existing systems is the unavoidable collateral damage caused. Our great pastor (praise be) has therefore put forth a proposal to the government to use his anointed holy oil as the alternative projectile.”
The church representative, Mr Toh Kin Kok, claimed that the pastor’s oil, which was proven to be extremely efficacious in curing pseudo-illnesses and enriching individuals monetarily – specifically church leaders – could also be used to summon white doves.
“Due to the holiness of our pastor and his oil (praise be), white doves are summoned to whoever and whatever the oil has been sprinkled on. As such, by simply sprinkling the oil on rogue drones, white doves will immediately appear and snatch the drones out of the sky – as Jesus did with our sins. ”
When asked about the difference between normal olive oil and the oil that the church is offering, a spokesperson replied, “One is something you can buy for around 10 dollars in a supermarket, the other is something that you have to pay 20 per cent of your salary for. Which do you think is better? Even an idiot can tell that it is the latter.”
Mr Toh added, “Non-kinetic systems, on the other hand, typically work by jamming the radio frequencies of errant drones, forcing them to land or return to their owners. While this reduces the risk of collateral damage, such systems can also disrupt other electronic devices nearby.”
“We are therefore proposing Changi Airport to blast the masterpiece composed by our great Reverend Sun Ho (praise be), China Wine. With the power of such evangelical music, the infidel drones are sure to burst in flames. Unlike the conventional non-kinetic systems, the only side effect of our system is a chance of converting people into City Harvest Christians, which is not that bad after all.”
For context, China Wine is not the alcoholic beverage but the English single by Reverend Ho Yeow Sun. The video is known for images of her gyrating furiously to the music in a low-cut, midriff-baring top and nothing shorts.
“We understand that there are concerns about the usage of this ‘indecent’ song. However, the church would like to reassure the public of its purity.”
“To destroy the devil we had to first lure him out with seemingly immoral materials, before exposing him to the full glory and might of our Lord. Only the uninitiated would think this song as blasphemous.”
Mr Toh also stated that the song’s effectiveness against drones was not an issue. “If this song (China Wine) could convince thousands of functioning adults to donate money and support the church, do you think that the same song will not be able to fry the circuitry of a mindless drone?”
The press conference concluded with the church declaring that their proposed systems will be offered to Changi Airport Group at a discounted price of SGD 100 million.
“The blessings of the Lord never comes free,” Mr Toh was quoted saying.